Marriage – 1+1=1
Rabbi Mordechai Z. Hecht
Never say Never!
Until that bright and sunny day comes, and you meet the girl or guy of your dreams and you tie the knot.
They say Marriage works like this:
First it’s the stomach churning and the butter-flies. Then, it’s the stars and the fire-flies and then…
Well, and then it’s the dishes fly.
Or, as a wise man once said:
Marriage is made of three rings, the engagement ring, the wedding ring and the suffering
It doesn’t have to be that way!
Marriage is in fact the most amazing thing in a person’s life. Growing up we are alone, our souls lonely, we are fragmented only trying to slowly put all the pieces rightfully together. When one get’s married one reunites with their better half one brings all the pieces to the table and then, well and then we begin to create a picture which will take 80 or so years to put together.
Marriage & Mt. Sinai
In fact, marriage between man and women is an analogy of G-d’s relationship with the Jewish people. For centuries G-d lived as a single, with no mate and true partner all until Mt. Sinai. In an amazing ceremony some 3321 years ago, with an outdoor wedding - on the plaza of Mt. Sinai - G-d tied the knot with the Jewish people! As the holy Zohar clearly states “Kudsha brich hu V’Yisrael chad hu"- G-d blessed be He and the Jewish people are One” – we became a couple, a family and eventually we became an entire nation.
Often our sages refer to matan Torah – the giving of the Torah at Sinai as the Wedding Ceremony.
The Mountain over our heads - the Chuppah
The Torah - the Ketubah.
The Sapphire 10 Commandments- the Ring.
And his continuous devotion and relationship with us, his commitment - the kiddushin – sanctification ceremony to us.
Sticky Marriage
If we want to make the marriage stick we need to make it sticky.
As in our relationship with G-d, Mitzvot is the fuel. Action is the essential ingredient to keep the flame of the relationship burning. So too with men and women, we need to keep the flame alive with action. Positive and affectionate and loving thoughts and disciplined and kind speech and bottom line, action, pure acts of genuine concern and love for your spouse. If the relationship isn’t sticky – it simply won’t stick.
Marriage is Forever ("vearasticha li leolam")
G-d put no expiration date on the marriage.
As far as he was concerned, once Mt. Sinai happened there is no one else, we the Jewish people are his soul mate for all eternity.
One of the prayers we traditionally say by the wedding ceremony is, may you be blessed “…KiGan Eden Mikdem” – like in the Garden of Eden (with Adam and Eve). The reason why we mention Gan Eden is because we refer to Adam and Chava and we say: “Just as Adam and Chavah knew of no one else in their marriage, so too we must see our spouses as the one, and the only one” to treasure and to prize until we pass on.
Our positive thought, speech and action is the daily investments we make into our marriage to see the results flourish. Like with G-d, Mitzvah means Tzavta VeChibur – connection. When we do things for Hashem this connects us with him and when we G-d forbid don’t - our marriage is in limbo, on the edge, something which no one really wants.
All the Animals in the Zoo
Chassidus teaches us that every Jew has two souls. A G-dly soul, which is pure and spiritual and a second Animalistic soul, which is impure and evil natured. What is primary and what is secondary is the question.
Have you ever visited a Zoo? How you ever you taken a sniff? Have you ever seen the poo of a Horse? And have you ever opened your ears in the zoo to listen to all the animals making all sorts of weird and sometimes very annoying noises.
Well. We humans too make smells, and we also take poo’s and make lot’s of strange noises.
“Like my husband in his sleep or after he eats a big meal”... I need not expound.
Or shall I. One of the greatest ironies in life, is the pet dog.
A stinky animal who eats, sleeps and poos all the time and yet we highly educated and intelligent Human beings not only befriend these creatures but we bring them into our homes and into our private rooms and even into our beds and showers. A stinky dog! Why?
You know why this is, because we love them. I Mean how can we not!? For one, they are so cute and cuddly. They Listen. They sit and get up - on demand, they keep us company and most importantly they protect you.
Well! This is the same thing about ourselves and our spouses, sure we have the animal in us, we all do - doo. But think of all the wonderful things we can find positive in each other, think of all the wonderful things we can do with each other, throughout our entire lives.
So one may ask where do we get the strength and power to bring to strange people together and put them under one roof asking them to live together for the rest of their life? And what's the point of marriage? how do we make relationships into an ideal?
How do we keep the dog in our life. Or the cat or our children who are not animals, though they may act like one sometimes?! The only way is if we see the beauty in them. We remove the animal in them and we allow are selves to see their loving, caring and kind, cute and cuddly side. When we open our eyes and see how much our spouses actually protect us. How much they protect us from stress and sorrow and depression and loneliness, how much friendship and comradery our spouses have brought into our lives.
Barking Dog
It says: " ko amar hashem zacharti lach chesed neuraich..lechtech acharai ba midbar berets lo zerua" this is how we make a relationship work, by devotion!
The Dog may bark, and the snake, ohh the infamous snake may bite. Like the snake in the Garden of Eden. But that is only if you let the snake bite. If, together, you tell the snake to get lost. and together you stay strong and support each other and recognize the spoiling part of the marriage, well, then what you got is a sanctuary and a not a zoo.
We are the one’s in charge. We set the pace.
Dating
Our sages teach us that the time that Bnei Ysrael were in the midbar-dessert was the dating period between them and G-d. And when they went into Israel - that was like the marriage where the couple builds a home together.
We see in the Dessert it was all spiritual and love, G-d made miracles and showered them with love
From the Manna, to the well of Miriam, and the cloud of glory. They had food on the house, dry cleaning, security all free, provided by G-d – the excited groom who when dating has all the money in the world for his new found girl friend.
And then… When they finally moved in together, all of a sudden the unlimited money dries up , when the Jews established the relationship by moving into Israel there was some trouble adjusting, as the Torah teaches us that they began to complain with all sorts of complaints.
But when you take a moment to rethink the good days of dating the spark reignites and your remember what it was that brought you together in the first place then we are once again comforted. The nature of the world is that we can’t go back to those dating time the time we were engaged but are hearts sometimes are filled up with yearnings and we miss those days badly but we can’t bring back those days we can’t fulfill our yearnings.
But we can make these days - as days of old if we chose to see those things in each other once again. Once again, regardless of the time and hardships and challenges before us.
As our sages teach us : “Kol Yom Bieinecha KiChadashim” – we can relive the romance each day.
Today and tomorrow don’t exist - we need to make today the beginning and end of our lives.
If we live like this we will surely be devoted husbands and wives and G-d inspired people.
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